Though this might be pretty obvious for a few of you, I thought be a good reminder.
A simple rule of thumb is “Which Hat Am I Wearing?”
From the amazing movie Django Unchained… did you know Christoph Waltz became my favourite English actor due to his role as Dr. King… never found something like it again.
Because we are Students / Practitioners of PLRT and simultaneously need to switch roles as parents, spouses, siblings, employees, employers, friends, therapists, teachers, students, and community members.
Let’s explore this boundary-setting as a Role–Responsibility Framework rather than as a list of rigid rules.
Which Hat Am I Wearing?
A Simple Framework for Healthy Boundaries
Every relationship gives us a different role and every role comes with
Role → Responsibility → Authority → Limits → Exit
Before acting, we can ask,
“Which hat am I wearing right now?”
Then run through these five questions.
1. ROLE AWARENESS
What am I acting as?
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Parent?
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Husband/Wife?
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Brother/Sister?
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Friend?
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Employer?
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Employee?
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Therapist?
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Teacher?
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Student?
Problems often begin when one role silently enters another. eg,
As a parent, I may advise my child.
As a therapist, I should usually facilitate rather than decide for my client.
As an employer, I may evaluate performance.
As a spouse, constantly evaluating performance would damage the relationship.
So the first boundary is,
Know which role you are currently occupying.
2. RESPONSIBILITY, What is actually mine to do?
“What am I responsible for in this role?”
A therapist is responsible for:
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safety,
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confidentiality,
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following the therapeutic process,
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maintaining neutrality,
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recognising limitations,
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facilitating resolution.
The therapist is not responsible for living the client’s life.
Similarly,
A parent may be responsible for protecting a young child. But the parent is not responsible for controlling every decision of an adult child.
An employer is responsible for,
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expectations,
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resources,
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feedback,
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workplace conduct.
The employer is not responsible for managing the employee’s entire personal life.
A useful rule,
Responsibility without boundaries becomes rescuing.
3. AUTHORITY, What am I actually entitled to decide?
This is extremely important.
Different roles carry different levels of legitimate authority.
A parent may decide bedtime for a six-year-old.
A husband cannot decide when his adult wife must sleep.
An employer may decide work responsibilities.
The employer cannot decide whom the employee marries.
A therapist may structure a therapeutic session.
The therapist cannot decide,
“You must leave your marriage.”
So ask,
“Do I actually have the authority to make this decision?”
If not, step back.
This alone prevents a tremendous amount of boundary violation.
4. LIMITS, Where does my role stop?
Every role has a boundary line.
Think of it as,
My Territory | Boundary | Their Territory
My Territory
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my behaviour,
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my words,
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my choices,
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my values,
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my professional responsibilities.
Their Territory
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their feelings,
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their choices,
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their beliefs,
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their relationships,
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their consequences,
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their life.
The difficult part is recognising,
Caring about someone does not give us ownership over their territory.
For therapists especially,
You may help the client see a choice.
You do not make the choice for them.
5. EXIT, When should I step out of the role?
Sometimes the healthiest boundary is,
“This is no longer mine to handle.”
For example, a PLRT therapist encounters,
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active psychosis,
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acute suicidal risk,
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severe dissociation,
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unstable medical symptoms,
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issues outside their competence.
The professional response may be:
Refer.
Similarly, an employer hearing about an employee’s marital problem may listen compassionately, but does not automatically become their marriage counsellor.
Knowing when to stop helping is itself a therapeutic skill.
The ROLE Test
For quick recall, you could reduce the whole framework to ROLE:
R — Recognise your Role
Which hat am I wearing?
O — Own only your responsibility
What genuinely belongs to me?
L — Locate the Limit
Where does my authority end and the other person’s autonomy begin?
E — Exit or Escalate when necessary
Do I continue, step back, refer, or bring in someone more appropriate?
We love frameworks don’t we, so here is one for boundary setting,
The Most Important Problem: Role Leakage
Role Leakage
Role leakage happens when behaviour appropriate in one role leaks into another role where it does not belong. Eg.
Employer → Parent
“I know what is best for you.”
Parent → Therapist
“You should do what I tell you.”
Therapist → Friend
excessive personal disclosure, informal dependency, social involvement.
Friend → Therapist
analysing everything the friend says.
Spouse → Employer
constantly monitoring, correcting and evaluating.
Therapist → Rescuer
“I must solve this client’s life.”
This is an excellent way of explaining dual relationships too.
A Practical Example
Imagine one student is simultaneously,
Mother + Wife + Employer + Sister + Friend + PLRT Therapist
Now someone says,
“Tell me what I should do.”
Their response depends entirely upon which relationship they are currently in.
As a mother of a young child,
“No, you cannot cross the road alone.”
As an employer,
“This task needs to be completed by Friday.”
As a friend,
“Would you like to tell me what happened?”
As a therapist,
“What feels right to you as you look at those choices?”
Same person.
Different role.
Different responsibility.
Different authority.
Different boundary.
The Amarantos Certified Professional PLR Therapist Hat
When you put on the Therapist Hat, your role becomes unusually clear,
I CAN
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listen,
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inquire,
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facilitate,
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reflect,
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validate emotions,
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maintain safety,
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challenge gently when appropriate,
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maintain confidentiality,
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facilitate resolution,
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refer
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maintain therapeutic distance at all times
I SHOULD NOT
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touch the client, physical if opposite gender.
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rescue,
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accept gifts,
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control,
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impose beliefs,
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make life decisions for the client,
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create dependency,
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seek admiration,
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enter inappropriate financial relationships,
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wave off fees
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blur romantic or sexual boundaries,
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become the client’s substitute family,
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practise beyond competence.
A powerful teaching line could therefore be,
“The moment I know which hat I am wearing, I know what belongs to me, and what does not.”
And for therapists specifically,
“Be deeply present in the client’s journey without becoming part of the client’s life.”
That captures professional boundaries very well.
I expect this from each of my Amarantian you are all professionals.
