Session 1 Tuesday 21st January 2020
10.30 to 1.30 am
Presenting issues
- Fear of losing his mind and starts feeling panicked used to take Rystyl or Valium to calm himself
- Cannot sleep without sleeping pills; been on sleeping pills since 1983
- Depression
- Smoking
During College Days
- I used to drink at 10 am in the morning
- Used to take Dexitrine to remain awake during class
- 125 mg of Prodome at night to fall asleep
- Used to feel like that all the time
Snitching
- Right from a young age (KG or I std) I had kleptomania (not exactly) robbing age about -5-6 it started.
- Even today, the urge is there. But I donāt do it.
- If I find some money lying around, thereās only 10% chance that I wonāt take it.
Smoking
- Started smoking when in class 8
- Most of the time fear of losing my mind comes only when I am smoking. I just discard my cig and walk away.
- Since a year and a half, the fear of losing my mind when I smoke is completely absent
Joint
- In 1983, took Marijuana just one time. I can still recall it very vividly. There was Kumba abishekam at Kondareddipalayam temple. Everyone was there. I was alone at home sleeping. That was the first time when the fear of losing my mind started.
- I had the feeling that I will go mad. It was a terrible experience. It has made me so paranoid that I never ever did it again.
- I am a fatalist. I strongly believe in fate and so, I donāt worry about anythingā¦ at times I feel that if I had not had the fear of losing my mindā¦ I want you to understand this clearlyā¦ Something has made that happenā¦ because only then I would have stopped. If not, I would have gone to the next level of drug abuse. I feel very strongly that this has happened for a purpose.
Alcohol
- No amount of sloshing helps me sleep at night unless I take my sleeping pills
- I wait for evening so I can take large 60 ml of alcohol neat everyday
Fear of Losing my Mind
- Has reduced by leaps and bounds. But, if you take off my sleeping pills, I can assure you that I will lose my mind
- Because, my insomnia started because of fear of losing my mind
- Percentage of fear has come down by about 20% now
- If I go mad, I will go violently mad. There is so much of violence inside of me
- These days, the fear pops up every now but only when I am idle
How is the Fear of Losing your Mind Affecting your Life?
The line between fear of going mad and actually becoming mad is very thin. I have a feeling that I am in the beginning stages of Dementia
Fantasies/Daydreaming
Fantasy of being (being as opposed to becoming) richā¦ actually living in my daydreamsā¦ I become violentā¦hero likeā¦I have daydreams of becoming a rich and famous hero.
Dreams
Howls in his sleep for 2 reasons
- When I see a snake in his dream
- When I am trying to chase thieves, who have entered the house
Apart from the howling for these reasons, no nightmares. [My dad too used to do this (?)]
Sleep
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Night sleep is drug induced since 1983 ā 2 mg of Rystyl
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Afternoon sleep is like a shot in the armā¦ I sleep well on days off without taking any medications
-
If only I could sleep naturally, everything in my life would change
History of Mental Illness on Fatherās side
-
My mama and grandmother went crazy at [what age?]ā¦ Maybe Alzheimerāsā¦ so, heās now more and more afraid that he too might become like that
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Two of his cousins committed suicide
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1 cousin was born mad (mental retardation) drowned when he was 18. Impaired speech and one never knew when he would remove his clothes and walk around naked. There is speculation that the cousinās parents had him murdered.
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Another cousin is functioning normally only because he is taking psychiatric medication since the last 7-8 years.
Suicidal Ideation
- Had suicidal intention for 2-3 days in extreme depression (when?)
- I could almost feel the weight of depression.
Self-Limiting Beliefs ā none
[I am a selfish person. I donāt love anybody]
Key People in Life
- Boss
- 4 friends
- Yogesh (nephew)
- Doctor mama (maternal uncle)
Because,
- when I was on the brink of committing suicide, I walked right into my MDās office and told him. He smilingly let me vent (as opposed to acting grim) and then referred me to a psychiatrist
- friends are close knit
Other Points that came up
- I am a very selfish guy. I donāt love anyone
- I do my duty. Thatās it
- Only now I realize that love is very important
- Abnormal sex drive ā fantasize a lot
- Very negative attitude
- I use a lot of expletives when I am in the company of people I am comfortable with
- Last 7 months, had stopped drinking, smoking, or taking non-veg (Sabarimalai). Started again
- My anxiety is purely work related (good stress?)
- I am a religious person not spiritual
- Driving rashly these daysā¦ says could be because of the anti-depressant
Treatments
Been on sleeping pills since 1983
Went to a psychiatrist for depression in 2014
Sekar, M, 62, 5, 4, A, Fear of Losing My Mind, 8
Pain Level: 8
Session 2: 7.15 pm
Age Regression
Memory 1:
C: Dad was driving a lorry. I was so amazed that he was driving such a huge vehicle and I wanted to get in with him but I couldnātā¦
Memory 2:
Eating a boiled egg with my father. Every time he has eggs, he gives one to me, itās cooked on the electric stove in the bedroom, my dad used to love eating it and me too. My mother used to be around us touching nothingā¦
T: How old were you?
C: 4?
My sisters were not around on that day
Iāve never shared this with my sisters (the eggs) ā¦
I remember writing the 1st letter (Tamil letter of the alphabet) aa, on paddyā¦
Memory 4:
With Gopalakrishnan Iyer in front of me and it happened outside the main doorā¦ and that place is sort of a small landing when you step out of the door supported by a huge pillarā¦ he made me write it again and again and it felt dreadfulā¦
T: Dreadful?
C: Because every time I wrote ah it was a mirror image and not the proper aaā¦
I remember after that going to the local very, very faint memoryā¦ remember the outside of the school close the Vinayagar templeā¦. It was in KR Palayam. I donāt know the reason why I went thereā¦ But I think it was only for a day or 2ā¦ I thinkā¦
Memory 5:
I remember the Petti Vandaiā¦ it used to be parked and rotting for yearsā¦ and Appajiās father (Sās dadās younger brother) would stand behind the broken wall on the other sideā¦ That was his smoking spot. What I ā¦
He had a fantastic bullā¦ every day he used to take it for a walk and he loved that bull more than himselfā¦ He was not married thenā¦ he used to take care of it like his own sonā¦
T: How old are you?
C: Maybe 3.5
It is very vivid in my mindā¦
I was thereā¦ on the porchā¦ watching himā¦ take the bull for a walkā¦
Memory 6:
I remember going in a bus with my fatherā¦ my first journey on a busā¦we were seated right behind the driver and I donāt remember where we were goingā¦ but throughout the journey, he was chatting with the driverā¦
Memory 7:
My mom carrying a pot of water from the backyardā¦ just before entering the back door skidded and fellā¦ I think nothing happened to herā¦ To say this to my dad, I ran from the back yard to the front porchā¦ he was with all relatives and friends sitting thereā¦ with 10 or 12 people and I told him that mom fell down, and he bashed me up for no reason at allā¦and I ran insideā¦ and my mom took me in her folds and ā¦ even now, I am able to feel the amount of love she had for me.
[He stopped here and had intense abreactions and started crying]
T: Itās okay to cry
C: In between sobs. The intensity of her love is so strongā¦ I can feel it even nowā¦
(long pause)
T: I understandā¦
C: Why is it that I never realized how much she loved meā¦ all I gave her in return was troubleā¦ I never reciprocated that loveā¦
(more crying)
[At this point I was handling both my own emotions and his. The client is my cousin. His mom is my aunt. My aunt and my grandmother were the only 2 persons who loved me without anything in return when I was a kid. They just loved. Difficult to come across that kind of love. His sobbing was affecting me very deeply as well. I wanted a few minutes to myself. So, with his permission, I emerged him.]
T: [after emerging him] You can now gently open your eyes if you want to.
He slowly opened his eyes and was reflective for a few minutes.
T: You can sit up if you want to
He sat up slowly
C: That was intense
T: Yes. It was. Would you like to drink some water?
C: yes
[brought him a drink of water and then left him to himself for about 15 minutes]
Age regression ended at 8.24
After Session Discussion Integration
C: Only now when I remembered the love my mother felt for me, I am wondering whether I ever reciprocated any of that. Iāve never thought of it that way before (more tears flowing down his cheeks). If you had not emerged me, I would have broken down completely.
Iāve never felt this much of emotion beforeā¦
(long pause)
[It appears that some kind of flood gate to his childhood memories from that period when his mom enfolded him and he felt the intensity of her love. He started talkingā¦ it went on intermittently until 10.40 p.m. Most of the time he was reflective]
Nights only dad and Gopalakrinan Iyer will talk for more than an hour. He used to sing so softly so as not to disturb others
We had a radio. That huge boxā¦ you knowā¦
We had a Valve GECā¦ even now I can now recall it vividly.
I can still vividly see it before my eyesā¦
Feedback from client: I had some trouble walking down the staircase and opening the door
Reason : āDuring PR, you said āas if you were in a bubbleā. I was in the bubble floating until you said, āvisualize yourself walking down the staircaseā. I think the word āfloatingā will be even more effective.
I could not see myself in the garden. I did hear the birds chirruping and the rustling of the leaves. You did not say anything about squirrels. But I did hear them. I have seen a lot of beautiful gardens and I really like them. But I could not see anything.ā
T: Would you prefer a beach?
C: Yeah, beaches, mountainsā¦
T: Can we try a beach for your safe place next time?
C: We can certainly try that. I saw a cluster of 4-5 Mongol facesā¦ looking at a new born baby. I was not able to distinguish the gender.
T: When did this happen?
C: I donāt remember at what point, but it was a few minutes after we started
T: I told you to lift up your right hand when you start seeing something, remember?
C: You did. But I thought you were supposed to finish the processā¦
T: Every experience as they come upā¦ Now you know that you can stop me anytime during the process to let me know what you see. What else did you see?
C: Blank flat sheet of Tissue gold color completely in my field of vision lasting about a minute. It was so nice and blissful that I was trying to hold on to it. I did not want to listen to your instructions then.
T: Again remember, the next time, all you need to do to stop me is to lift your right hand.
C: Now I understand exactly what you meant by it.
(long reflective pause)
C: I am baffled as to why they did it outside the house (the ceremony for writing the first time -akshadaabishegam). They usually do this inside the houseā¦ Unfortunately, all the people who could have answered this question are all deadā¦
T: Any idea why your uncleās smoking spot came up?
C: Thatās the amazing thing. I am asking myself that as well. The impression I got is that I was not supposed to be there. I was a little one and I think I slipped away without my parents being aware. He was looking around as if wondering how come I am by myself and telling me to go back home.
T: Hmmā¦
C: I am amazed that I remembered the thing with his bull and his passion for the bull. The images were vivid. People used to bring their cows to mate with his bullā¦
The most amazing thing is how the intensity of momās love hit me. She just enfolded me and was asking dad, āHow can you bash up such a little child?ā I still feel the intensity of her loveā¦
T: Thereās something you can do with all that love
C: Like? I never reciprocated her love. As I told you already, I am a selfish person.
T: Ok, letās try this. Do you still feel that love?
C: Yes.
T: If you were to give it color, what color would it be?
C: Tissue gold
T: Now, turn all that love into a beautiful globe of tissue gold and let it merge into your heartā¦ Whenever you feel low or depressed you can draw comfort from this loveā¦
C: Iāll definitely try that.
T: Letās continue the session after dinner.
C: Iād rather we donāt. You did tell me to try not to drink alcohol or smoke. But I had a neat after lunch and I badly need a smoke right now. During my next session, I want my system to be free of alcohol and nicotine. Let me know when you are coming to Chennai next.
27th Morning:
C: I slept really well. Usually, when I wake up early in the morning, to go to the restroom, I canāt go back to sleep. But today, I went right back to sleep and slept for a couple of hours.
T: On a scale of 1 to 10, where would you put your pain level this morning?
C: Considering that I really slept well, I would say 3.
T: Can you send me weekly updates of your sleep pattern. Also, I want you to maintain a journal where you can maintain a daily record of your dreams and about how you feel when you wake up in the morning and at night when you go to bed.
You can draw strength from your motherās love that you have stored in your heartā¦ first thing in the morning and last thing at night.
C: Yes. Thatās doable. Sorry I made you come here and then wasted your time
T: Every situation is a learning opportunity for all the parties involved.
C: Talk to Sundari (his elder sister) she might have something to tell you about my childhood
[spoke to her. One of the really interesting things that came up was: āOnce when he was around 4, he wrapped a long jute string (flaming) around his younger sisterās neckā¦ I still canāt figure out how the idea even popped into his headā]
āCā called me on the 31st Jan. There were several missed calls. When I finally called him back,
C: āDo dreams matter?ā
T: They certainly do
C: Then I had a dream while sleeping this afternoon. I was walking around the streets of Delhi. Suddenly it was Delhi some 400 years agoā¦
He was super excited. He narrated 2 of what appeared to be past life memories. Since I was travelling and was not getting proper signal,
T: Please voice record the experience and send it across to me
C: There is no need. I will never ever forget. They were very vivid.
T: I insist
C: Okay. I am really excited about this. We are getting somewhere.
Weāve set up his next appointment for 17th Feb
The part about giving his motherās love a colourā¦ was thanks to Loveyās recall of Venuās session with one of my batchmates.