Riding the waves of emotional turbulence for want of her mother: unlocking the grief within
Clients name -Rama
Age - 50
Focus score - 7
Eye roll -3
Visual -1
Auditory-9
Kinesthetic-5( Mainly Kinesthetic with pretty high auditory)
Pain level 7 (before first session), 2 (after last session)
Theme- anger over lack of mothering and inability to say no or express her emotions deeply
History intake -3 hours (29th august)
Rama recalls her early childhood memories as a physically weak child with low immunity. Emotionally she was scared of loud sounds and still feels uncomfortable around noise. There was violence at home between her parents. She remembers being very submissive and feared expressing any anger growing up. She was a quiet child until 14 years. Rama could not bring her friends home, there was judgement and shame. She was hit and slapped due to being slow in studies. Her brother was pampered and she felt the difference in the treatment towards him was unfair but never spoke up.
After her 18th year, she went to live in a hostel. Her physical health improved and she looked stronger.Her self confidence came here with getting friends and approval but at home she was still quiet and obedient out of fear of expressing herself.
At 22 until 34 years Rama was in a relationship. She loved him but his family even more where she found a ‘replacement’ parents who loved and approved of her in many ways that her own parents fell short.
At 34, Rama was earning and independent but felt depressed and suicidal. She left her relationship too. She looked after her parents and house as finances were low at home. With a sad childhood and growing up with powerlessness, she was unable to take important decisions and felt haunted with fears and self doubt. There was unresolved issues with her brother too but she loved him a lot.
Rama took medical and psychiatric help and with friends support tried to come out of her depression. There was a lot of judgement and disapproval from her own family about taking anti- depressants. They were in denial about their home toxicity. Her brother and parents judged her and she still feels hurt from it.
Now she met her current husband who came from a similar background and family with unhealthy relationships. He could not stand up for himself nor for her. Their marriage was shaken and stirred several times till they left and came to a different house and are now living independently. Her relationship with her in-laws were scarred. They have a son who is 10. from 43-49 years they went through a rough patch with their families. Now at 50, she is more realistic and is pursuing a career in counselling. Hereby trying to understand herself better too.
Coming from a family where denial was the theme, she feels obliged to take care of her mother after her fathers death and is developing the capacity to see what needs to be addressed. At times her anger and guilt takes over and she carries the feeling of anger under the surface. Her father died due to Covid and she looks after her mother but there is unresolved grief/ resentment between them.
Having completed stages 0 to 8 we decided to take the theme of anger and pain from childhood/ parenting.
Session 1-( 1.5 hours) 30th August
We did a dry run with induction, Dave Elman, progressive relaxation, Ball of light and Garden…
She was able to see motifs like a Lotus (related to her faith in Buddhism and chants), golden flowers, Green light with golden leaves. Initially saw some small blue flowers and later a big one black in colour. Rama feels happy to end the session here today and carry the peace from the Garden.
Session 1 (PLRT)-3rd sept 3.5 hours
Decided on a topic of anger as the theme. Frustration with family , friends and looking after her mum without being able to express her needs is a pattern she wishes to discover.
Cognitive relaxation (she asked for it as her logical mind seemed to resist)
Progressive relaxation, Dave elman, Ball of light, Garden, bridge of haze, leading to current childhood
Client T-therapist
C-I see a door and as I walk in I feel dry in my throat.
T- who is with you and where do you see yourself?How old are you?
C: I am alone, I am around 6yrs. I wear a frock cant see the colour. I see red.
What are you doing? Are you worried being alone?Do you recognize this house?
I realize this is not current but a past life
C-im not worried but I don’t know why I am inside the house. Locked inside. I do not recognize this house from my childhood.
T- what else do you see?
C: I see trees and branches
T: any colors?
C: purple and black branches
I don’t feel fear but I feel lost…this girl doesn’t want to come out (the client is floating due to fear)
She is not used to this. Before the shower of blood, no one was around. ( it seems the ‘red’ she saw was a shower of blood)
I see a girl Ana , she is innocent. She doesn’t know.
T:Would you like to find out? Shall we go behind a few years? Counting backward 5 to 1 on a bridge of haze…
C-Yes she is coming from a good space. There is no one in her home. A chariot and a window is what I see. It seems like Asia…Japan, Korea or Turkey?
But her features are different…she has black eyes, black hair and tall. The client Rama is tall.
T: what else can you see now?
C: I see we entered a beautiful house, its big with helpers. Seem like an Irish family, but I see caretakers and not the family members.
T-Shall we forward to a future time? Counting backward 3 to 1 in a tunnel of light…
C-Anna is 19. I am fine but a quiet girl, a nature observer. I go out to meet my horse in the backyard. Its my own horse in the backyard, well taken care of.
T- what does this horse mean to you Ana?
C- he is very close like a companion.
T:- who does he resemble from this life?
C: Its my current husband. Very loving and white in colour.He shares my fondness of him. He has no saddle so lots of trust and comfort. (Rama’s voice softened and she smiled for the first time)
T:Shall we forward to the last days of this life?
C:Its been 25 years. I am walking with the horse and im tired so I sit next to it. She is content and ready to die.
T:how is Ana feeling? How are you feeling?
C:Ana is ready to die, she is content but heart broken. That’s her life she accepts it that’s all. For years she has had the desire to die. The desire to live has gone.
T:When and after how long does she die?
C:In a year. She is wearing a white gown, ready to go. The horse has already died.She is now a loner living outside the forest in a hut.
T: what are her final thoughts? What matters? What is important?
C: It doesn’t matter how she feels. She is relaxed there is no pain. (Tears- abbereaction)
I help with a napkin/tissue.
T:Shall we proceed to life after? Counting forward 0 to 5
C:There is a big butterfly, the tip has a lot of lights, wings are mixed white and gold. The top is rainbow colors. It looks down peacefully. She disappears into the light…becomes one with it,a detached feeling. Feeling slightly heavy and slightly painful but Anna looks content.
T-What feelings and intentions might Anna keep for her next birth?
C-She wants a family. She chooses this family (my current family) because the father is spiritual and she wants to look after him. She wants her own family too.
We completed all stages 8 till 15
T: would you like to experience the birth and inside utero?
C-Yes
Counting forward 1 to 5…tunnel of light…
C:I’m inside the womb, its dark and im scared. I am afraid to hurt her. I feel her (referring to her mother) sadness inside.
T: Return to the garden 5 to 1. visualize your Master giving advice and words of wisdom about what you saw…
C: I hear a dialogue between my Master (who is my father from this life)
C to Fthr- what do I need?
Ftr- you need love
C-What do I need?
Ftr-You need to trust and learn to receive
T:How do you feel about these messages?
C: I feel shy. I feel like its a weakness.
I feel I can love and trust but to ask is tough. I feel judged. I fear judgement. Its not ok.
T: Ask him anything else you might wish to?
C-He doesn’t know what the cube I saw in the garden represents. Feels like it signifies to integrate…
C-I can smell ghee candle like a typical deeya my dad used to light. I have been having thoughts of him a lot more recently. (in most cases she hears or smells more than sees as according to her KAV)
C-I recall my childhood when no one was around. I remember my brother having love of family members. I felt lost.I see in all births my caretakers not there for me.Loneliness persists from all lives.
T- cliff and boxes
C- pushed the boxes of painful feelings and memories from this life into the deep ocean
T- back in the garden how do you feel?
C: the garden gets prettier every-time. I feel happy thinking of my father.
Integration-
T-What is your learning and lessons. What are you carrying and letting go in this current life from the past?
C-I saw him leaving peacefully and saying to me with a hug that he will come back as a father again. I saw him leave peacefully.
I wonder if I am repeating the same loneliness and not expressing as a mother to my son.
Pain level
Gone from 7 to 6
I need to appreciate myself more as a mother than I do. I question my own motherhood, not having had a role model. In my next session id like to look at why I didn’t want to be a mum?
I feel a light resistance. I see the cube as good things I carry with me- treasures, love, compassion. I need to add trust and express myself more.
Awaken 10 to 1
Integration
I see Anna as a small child, with wisdom in her soul. She did not like loud sounds.(like in this life I don’t)There is darkness and gloominess. The horse means everything. Im happy it was Sam. In this life too he is my solid companion and more connected to animals. He can make animal sounds very realistically.
My feeling as a therapist- For Rama as Anna detachment has been a helpful ally, as opposed to feeling and expressing. I wonder why she is unable to see her childhood and instead went into a past life in our very first session before I could induce the past bridge and doors.
We together feel-Next session can be about mother, pain ,apathy, sadness.
I checked in on 4th sept. Rama is happy to continue and is sleeping with calm. She reports no dreams.
Session 2 (6th september). She is delayed by 30 min, A little pushed for time, uneasy, some reluctance. We start with cognitive relaxation on her request.
C-Most imp…I want my mum …a mother …I’m craving for…I’m done with now having a mother. I hear they can rent a mother in Japan.
Dave Elman,Golden moon, Garden bench to Tunnel of light, bridge of haze, door…
What do you see?
C- A tree, Jade plants, round the tree, slender, not thick, its day time, not a dense jungle
How old are you? Whats your name?
C:No name, I am 21
I cant see or feel. I’m alone. Tree is beautiful is the only thought. There is warmth of sun rays.
Its pleasant. I look Indian with eyes shining black looking up. I’m happy, few months old in a cradle. Few people around but blurry. I have same colour dress as the tree. People are playing with the baby…loving the baby.
Go to future…few steps up through a tunnel…3…2…1…
Very happy Adult in 30’s…
I have a family, I’m playing with my brother…
Wearing a dress its flowy…white… matches the 21 year old looks not the baby…no name
My hair is brown and I am fair skin… I see plants, not trees…its not a jungle…its a medow…there is family sitting at distance
Girls husband I don’t recognize…brother is my brother from this life
He is sitting down. The older members of family have joined in…we are all going inside the house now since its evening time…we will have our dinner inside and its pleasant weather
What language, country?
English speakers, 1850’s Europe, dressing is like British.
T- lets forward to last days…would you like to see what happened in the end?)
C- yes…
T- 3…2…1…
C-Its dark…looked uncomfortable
T-Can you see anything?
C- I see blood…killed…
T- who is killed?
C- whole family
T-what do you think or feel?
C- I’m dying…this life…I am not liking anything…
T- any wishes?
C- I want to die…
I’m floating out…my heart is heavy(…she was impatient to come out)
T-Would you like to sit in the garden a while and talk to masters…?
C-No…I have a bad headache please bring me out
T-How does it feel to float out? Where are you now…?
C- I’m very heavy…my heart is heavy…feel headache…nausea…
I want to awaken and come out…
t- bringing back to garden from the tunnel of light…
Reminding of good feeling with family…coming out 3…2…1…
She vomited in my washroom and called her husband to pick up
Since her symptoms were physically manifested I decided to ask/give her a massage on her feet and head and she was accepting. After a few days I realized I was “mothering’ her and she was able to receive. This made me realize it was something she needed after such a huge emotional turbulence. In asking and receiving she has cleared a block.
Checked on her later she was better after a day…she reached out and thanked me for mothering her with my massage.
C-Although I was embarrassed at first, it comforted me and eased my pain.
After a week- she is doing ok, needing quiet times…I reassured its important to sleep well, meditate and integrate.
I realized the integration took longer than expected and that our gap to the last session was too long…nearly 10 days. But she needed it and was better for it. Her need to slowly make connection to her life from the sessions we had was high. Her trust had increased too and so had her readiness to surrender and accept.
C: I have come with answers. I got something very deep and strong feeling that it cannot be imagination. I am so thrilled to sleep and see how it unfolds. Its just a matter of time when I realize it. Something is going to get released.
T:I feel the lotus and cube metaphors mean resilience and new perspectives.(I was hoping she can see a life with more courage and resilience.)
Session 3 (15th sept)
T:Any reflections before we proceed today?
C:I feel some heaviness but its ready to release slowly.I feel lighter and back to childhood quietness.
Rama came very eager to share her dreams and how everything makes sense now since the last session with me that left her confused about the blood shed and its links. She agreed she was not able to feel the grounding to relax and allow for integration to happen just after the sessions and needed to take her own time.
One dream was about her being responsible for 100s of children and protecting them from an army . They had to hide inside a ship. These children tried their best and so did she but each and everyone dies in the shooting and she surrendered after putting up a fight and feeling helpless she surrendered. She is now able to connect with the same helplessness in other lives she saw with the blood shed. She wanted to express more so I suggested her to draw the picture and the vivid colour and she did.
The second dream was about losing her mother and her trying to protect her. Then she said how she realizes that though she retains resentment about he past she has the readiness to let go and make peace now. She doesn’t want to lose her mother before her mother passes. She wants to have some relationship even now.
We decided to proceed with our session today, perhaps a concluding one too.
Being aware of her KAV I especially used the feeling and mood of the day and weather to create an ambience and its feel while doing
Progressive relaxation, followed by the cliff and boxes and then closure with the boat and 3 ports, letting go, forgiveness esp with mum and cord cutting included in the cliff.
Clients experience on the cliff-
Rama was able to let go of fears , insecurities and hatred. She wrote letters to post inside the box. She did not want to lock it as she wanted it to be able to come out when she threw it. (something like bottling up emotions rather than letting them out)
In box 2 she framed unresolved feelings from her in-laws and her mother.She felt immediate relief after pushing the boxes and took her time to bid goodbye to them and come down the cliff.
Clients experience on the ports-
Port 1
Rama received blessing and love from her ancestors. They were able to convey their love and she felt very loved.
Port 2-
Rama saw her brother and said what she couldn’t in all these years. She felt heard by him peacefully. Rama also received a hearing ear from her husband without retaliation.
Port3-
Finally she admitted having expressed herself fully to her mother without sensing anger inside herself. This was a key moment. She could speak clearly and received kindness.
Integration-
T-What have you learned from your current life and past lives today? How can you change anything from these lessons after having these conversations and having let go of the 2 boxes?
C-As a child I felt no control and helpless so as an adult I only learned to control. I forgot I need to learn letting go. The impact on me was unhealthy and I am sure for others around me too including my son…By not wanting to scream or become a monster I was pushing all my feelings away.
T- what else can you feel now? How do you feel about the ancestors helping and loving you? Perhaps you are breaking a pattern not just for yourself but for generations to come?
C- I can see my mother’s mother today in our session before I threw the boxes and I have not known her. I feel I’m carrying them and they are helping me now.She looked calm and radiant with lightness and a big smile. They helped push the box. The big box from current issues and small was from childhood. I saw a beautiful light above, an arch with a golden light, a sun throughout while I took the boat ride. There were beautiful Pipal trees. The guiding messages from my spiritual guides throughout was to remain more silent and still. I notice today I was mentally free.
Rama confirmed that she was able to ask me if she can be late and that was new too.
In my small box I could squeeze all hurt words ever spoken to me . It was so beautiful I wish this feelings continues in my life practically. I am taking away this peace and inner quiet today. She then continued to thank me for this amazing journey together. Her pain level is 2.
I feel despite many blows and feeling of shock Rama had inner resilience only kept away secretly inside her and the unlocking of the subconscious guards helped release her strengths.
EVENT- conflict within about love and anger towards parent. She felt judged and unloved/ unsupported deep within.
SUBJECTIVE INTERPRETATION- she was unable to express her self as she found links to feeling helpless and alone, unable to express when she was a child in other lives and saw blood, gore, or was left alone with a horse her only true loyal friend.
CONFLICT- she received inner guidance in her dreams as the Masters took her to see that not expressing creates a block and stops her feeling herself. She is unable to share so holds on to deep feelings and gets resentful.
DECISION MADE TO RESOLVE CONFLICT- Rama is able to resolve in her regression by expressing fully and with the guidance of her loved ones, spiritual and ancestral guides helped her feeling loved and supported. She is able to carry this outside her sessions and feel that courage to speak up.