In healing, what we usually notice first are our surface struggles – the emotions, reactions, or conflicts we face on a daily basis. But beneath them lie the underlying causes – the deeper wounds, fears, and patterns that truly need attention. Surface struggles are like symptoms. Underlying causes are the root. Unless we address the root, the struggles keep returning in different forms.
Here’s how to see the difference:
- Surface Struggle: Jealousy
Looks like: Feeling upset when others succeed.
Underlying Cause: Low self-worth, childhood conditioning around comparison.
Example: A woman feels jealous of her friend’s promotion ->the root issue is “I don’t feel good enough unless I achieve more.”
- Surface Struggle: Anger Outbursts
Looks like: Snapping at small things, frustration, shouting.
Underlying Cause: Repressed hurt, unmet emotional needs, weak boundaries.
Example: A man yells at his partner for being late → root issue is fear of being unimportant, ignored like in childhood.
3)Surface Struggle: Anxiety/Worry
Looks like: Restlessness, overthinking, sleepless nights.
Underlying Cause: Fear of failure, need for control, unresolved trauma of uncertainty.
Example: A student panics before exams ->root issue is “If I fail, I won’t be loved or accepted.”
- Surface Struggle: Relationship Conflicts
Looks like: Constant arguments, silent treatments, breakups.
Underlying Cause: Fear of abandonment, attachment wounds, inner child insecurity.
Example: A woman fights with her partner over late replies ->root issue is childhood fear of being left behind.
- Surface Struggle: People-Pleasing
Looks like: Saying yes to everyone, avoiding conflict, feeling drained.
Underlying Cause: Fear of rejection, belief that love must be earned.
Example: A man never says no at work → root issue is childhood conditioning “If I don’t please, I’ll lose love.”
- Surface Struggle: Procrastination/Laziness
Looks like: Avoiding work, distraction, low motivation.
Underlying Cause: Perfectionism, fear of failure, hidden shame.
Example: A girl delays starting her project → root issue is “If I do it wrong, I’ll prove I’m not capable.”
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Surface Struggle: Physical Symptoms (headache, hair fall, body pain)
Looks like: Ongoing health issues without strong medical cause.
Underlying Cause: Stress, grief, emotional repression, unprocessed trauma.
Example: A woman has chronic back pain → root issue is carrying years of unexpressed responsibility and emotional burden. -
Surface Struggle: Loneliness/Emptiness
Looks like: Feeling isolated even in a crowd, inner void.
Underlying Cause: Disconnection from self, unhealed inner child, lack of self-love.
Example: A man feels lonely despite being married → root issue is “I don’t feel seen or valued for who I truly am.”
Takeaway:—
Surface Struggles = the smoke (jealousy, anger, anxiety, conflict).
Underlying Causes = the fire (fear of abandonment, unworthiness, lack of safety).
Healing begins when we stop chasing smoke and tend to the fire
Sources:-
-Psychology & Counselling frameworks (CBT, Psychodynamic therapy)
-The Body Keeps the Score – Bessel van der Kolk
-Attachment theory (Bowlby & Ainsworth)
-Mind-body connection in trauma healing
