A client, Kimi (name changed), came to me carrying a lot of grief. She had lost both her parents two years ago and was still unable to cope with the loss. This was her main concern when she came in. As we went deeper, she shared how overwhelmed she felt, how disorganised her life had become. She said she was unable to do things for her child and struggled to keep her house tidy. Everything felt too much.
When I meet a client, my first focus is always their words. I listened to her and allowed her to speak freely, from her heart. Although she came in speaking about the loss of both parents, as the sessions unfolded it became clear that her grief was much deeper around her father than her mother. She loved both her parents, but the pain connected to her father was more intense.
There was also another layer of deep emotional pain connected to her relationship with her sibling. Her sibling’s spouse does not allow Kimi to stay in touch with them, leading to a strained and painful relationship. Despite this, Kimi felt responsible. When I enquired further, she shared that as the elder daughter she believed it was her duty to take care of her sibling, even when there was no contact. This belief kept her trapped in guilt, creating a repeating emotional loop.
During the session, Kimi went back to an early childhood memory. She recalled hearing someone say that her father did not come to see her immediately after her birth because she was a girl child. Her father actually came a few days later, but Kimi does not know whether what she heard was fact or not. What mattered was that the little child internalised it deeply.
This is how trauma works, it enters quietly and begins shaping an entire life.
Kimi developed a deep subconscious belief that she was “not enough” because she was a girl. From there, she learned to live life by trying to impress her father. In reality, her father never told her she was not enough. But hearing a relative say that at such a tender age created a lasting imprint. Her father was a perfectionist, and Kimi learned that being perfect was the way to be seen.
Papa, see I am just like you.
Papa, see I do everything well.
Papa, see I never say no.
Papa, see I always listen.
Papa, see I plan everything properly.
This became her way of surviving and belonging.
Now we see adult Kimi, close to 40 years old. She cannot say no at work because she never learned how. She works extra hours, overextends herself, and then comes home realising she has not spent time with her child. Immediately the familiar voice arises: I am not enough.
She looks around her home and notices a messy corner (something present in every home) but her inner voice says, You are not enough*.* Your house is messy. What began as a childhood belief has now spread into every area of her life. And now, even her body is carrying the weight.
The little child within her also felt responsible for her sibling, believing it was her job to keep everything perfect and intact.
When we come to the loss of her father, there are two parts grieving. One is the adult self who lost a father figure. The other is the little child who lost her entire world. She lost her papa, the one she was constantly trying to impress, the one she was learning to be perfect for. When he was gone, the child did not know where to go or who to show her perfection to.
This made her grief immeasurable. She could not cope because the loss was not just of a parent, it was the loss of her identity and purpose as a child.
Through reparenting the inner child and dissipating the stored emotional energy, something shifted.
Today, Kimi has found her voice. She says no when she wants to. She has found balance in her relationship with her sibling. She still loves them deeply, but she no longer feels responsible for holding the family together. She is a more present and content mother, finding happiness in small, everyday moments with her child. The weight of the grief has come down.
